


an ocean of emotion, my heart rips me right open

by libraryofruina



Category: Yumekui Kenbun: Nightmare Inspector
Genre: Closure, Hurt/Comfort, It's Just A Therapy Session, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Rated T For Tsukishiro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22672969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libraryofruina/pseuds/libraryofruina
Summary: Tsukishiro pays a visit to the Delirium.
Relationships: Tsukishiro/Hiruko
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	an ocean of emotion, my heart rips me right open

**Author's Note:**

> Rated T For Tsukishiro. at multiple points there are random "haha, i want to see him suffer" and one (one) "i would like to have sex with him" from tsukishiro but that's par for the course, really

Tsukishiro taps his cane on the ground of the Delirium as the door slams behind him. Kairi looks up, a thin smile on his face. It seemed forced. Shima sees Tsukishiro and darts away immediately. Understandable.

"I didn't expect you of all people to show up here." Kairi says, fingers drumming against the table.

"I’ve been here before, though! Just not for this purpose. Well, let's just skip all the formalities and small talk." The baku laughs, slinging his cane over his shoulder. "You already know what I'm here for, right? You're an idiot, but you aren't stupid enough to not understand why I’m here." 

"Indeed, I do." A thin sigh. He stands, pushing in his chair and making his way to a door, and gently grazes his fingers against the surface. "And I'm sure you know that it's much more difficult to fall for the illusion of fantasy when you're already aware of its transience." 

“But I’m here anyway.” Tsukishiro glances over at the windows he’s standing nearby, very much considering slamming his cane into them so they break into pieces. He’s done it before. It was fun. He’d do it again. He smiles at Kairi, the tip of his cane gently touching the windowsill. “That’s good enough, isn’t it?”

Kairi sighs again. “You’re holding my windows hostage, aren’t you.”

Tsukishiro laughs. “Yup! Though, knowing me, I’ll probably just break them again out of frustration when I leave.” 

“You know, you’re not doing a very good job at blackmailing me. Isn’t this just making me want to refuse to let you in one of my precious rooms?”

The baku scoffs, twirling around his cane. “Oh, please. You and I both know you love fantasies too much to ever turn away someone delusional enough to come to you.”

“Hm,” Kairi hums, running his fingers along the ornate wood of the door. “I wonder… What exactly does that say about you, then, Tsukishiro?”

“I wonder.” He replies, with a grin, watching as Kairi opens the door. Tsukishiro doesn’t pay him any heed, simply walking forward, ignoring the other man waving goodbye.

Kairi clicks his tongue.  
  


* * *

  
The door shuts behind him. Tsukishiro doesn’t look back. He simply slings his cane over his shoulder and waits--and within seconds who--no, _what,_ he’s waiting for materializes in front of his eyes.

Hiruko’s appearance flickers from the outfit Tsukishiro’s most used to using on him, to the black kimono he last saw the other man in, and then back to his sleeveless turtleneck and black coat. Expression flat, Hiruko examines his own appearance.

“Is this how you wanted to see me?” Hiruko asks, and his voice is exactly like Tsukishiro remembers it, because of course it is. He’s in the Delirium, and the fantasy he was so deluded with has now been recrafted by Tsukishiro's imagination. The exact details in his memories had been locked in his subconscious, and now appeared in front of his eyes. “Now what, Tsukishiro?”

“Hmm,” The baku replies, walking circles around Hiruko. It all seems right. Hiruko is exactly the same as he once was. The blonde even has his cane and briefcase, though it was very likely empty now. “It’s very realistic, for a fantasy.”

Hiruko shrugs his shoulders. “That’s how it was in the first place, Tsukishiro.” He pauses, with something not unlike Tsukishiro's usual malicious amusement dancing in his eyes. 

Now _that’s_ better. It's much better than the blonde's usual flat expression. 

Hiruko continues, ignoring the pleasured grin on Tsukishiro's lips. “The Hiruko you knew had never existed in the first place. Kairi said it before, didn’t he? You were so enraptured by that fantasy--by _me_ \--that you fell for it.

“Tsukishiro, what do you think Kairi meant by _fell for_?” And now, instead of Tsukishiro walking circles around Hiruko, it’s Hiruko circling around Tsukishiro with a knowing smile on his face. Like a predator hunting its prey. Tsukishiro can’t deny the excitement that swirls around violently in his stomach at the mere idea of Hiruko devouring him whole. “Is it because you actually believed I was real? Because you fell for it? Or is it because you fell for _me_? Do you know which one he meant? I’m sure that to an extent you do. But you’re not completely sure. Is that why you’re here?”

The white haired baku feels frozen in place. It’s a good feeling. A nice change of pace. Finally, _finally,_ something interesting. Something new. Something exciting. Tsukishiro had wanted Azusa back for a multitude of reasons--because he wanted a baku off the fringe to be in control, because he wanted Chitose to be in his control, because he wanted--

“No?” Hiruko asks, and sighs, cane resting on his shoulder. “Is it because you wanted to see me again?”

Tsukishiro’s heart jolts in his chest and he feels himself grin. “Maybe I just missed your tongue-lashing the most of all."

“I’m sure.” The blonde replies. With a flash, a table and two chairs appear in front of their eyes. 

Silently, Hiruko takes a seat. Tsukishiro does the same. A tablecloth falls from above. Next, tea cups clink and clatter as they materialize on the table. Steam rises up from the piping hot liquid held within the delicate porcelain. 

Taking a cup, Hiruko raises it to his lips and Tsukishiro watches every minute movement carefully. 

“I won’t vomit blood, don’t worry. You won’t, either.” 

And the blonde doesn’t. And even when Tsukishiro mirrors Hiruko’s motions, lifting the full cup to his lips and drinking down the liquid, he doesn’t vomit blood either. Bakus weren’t able to consume anything other than nightmares, lest they drown in the crimson that came up out of their body how a human would vomit bile.

“A fantasy is made by desires.” Tsukishiro muses out loud, directed at neither of them, really. He’s just speaking the thoughts in his head out loud. “I wonder what it says about me, that we’re able to drink this tea? Though it doesn’t taste like anything. If it’s woven by my subconscious, I would have liked for it to have some sort of flavor.”

“It’s _because_ it’s your subconscious that it’s bland.” 

Tsukishiro snorts. “Was that an insult?” 

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Hiruko replies, taking another sip. “This place, this scenario, and my existence within your fantasy are your desires. But the tea is bland. Because you don’t know what it tastes like. You say you’d like for it to have flavor, but that's not true. You don’t actually crave it, do you? You don't crave anything. You’ve never known what it was like to _want_ anything--other than nightmares, but we both know that doesn't count.

“You’ve never wanted anything. You’ve never held anyone or anything precious to you. And yet I’m here. Why is that, Tsukishiro?” The blonde rests his chin in his hand, tilting his head at the baku. “Because, in a way, I’m precious to you? Because you want me? Because the concept of your desire is linked with my existence? What do you think it is?”

“Well, the fact you’re so aware of my deepest thoughts is answer enough, isn’t it?” Tsukishiro leans back in his chair. “You know what I’m thinking because that’s what I want. Even if Hiruko, the delusion I was so enamored by, didn’t truly understand me, this version of you does. Still, though, I think saying you’re precious to me is going a little bit far, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t rule it out.” Hiruko shuts his eyes, exhaling softly. “But you’re frustrated, aren’t you?”

“Me?” Tsukishiro asks, pointing to himself. “Frustrated? Maybe. Maybe a little bit. I’m a baku, after all. There’s nothing other than nightmares to fill the void in my heart. And, I’ve been alive for centuries! I’ve been around longer than _that_ Hiruko, you know. What was his name? Azusa?” 

“Pretending you’ve forgotten isn’t going to fool me.”

“Worth a shot.” The baku tilts his chair back further. “But a little frustration over being bored is only natural, isn’t it? I want something interesting. Even that Azusa isn’t any fun! He doesn’t indulge me like you do. Did.” 

“I didn’t indulge you, though.” Hiruko raises an eyebrow. “You’re dodging the question, you know. And that’s not what I mean. You’re frustrated, because you know deep down that the chain of events that led to the delusion of Hiruko being shattered is your fault.” 

Now _that_ feels like a kick to the chest. Tsukishiro can't keep the grin off his face, and he doesn't even bother denying the arousal that rises up in his stomach.

“Back then, you _said_ you’d protect me, and so you went to the Delirium to keep an eye on Kairi. But in the end, it was your actions that revealed the true door that kept the rotted corpse of Chitose Kurosu hidden.” Hiruko shakes his head. “You were the one who shattered Azusa’s delusion. As always, your mistakes are irreversible, but this time you didn’t ruin everything on _purpose_. It was all completely out of your control. That frustrates you, doesn’t it?” 

Tsukishiro doesn’t respond. He just sits and waits for the blonde to keep talking. He lifts up his still warm drink, hoping the liquid would fill up and replace the feeling that’s settled in his stomach. It’s changed from pleasure to unease, though that’s satisfying in its own way...

“If Chitose was still around, would you be satisfied with that?” Hiruko still has his chin in his hands, clear blue eyes burning into Tsukishiro’s narrowed gaze. “You wanted me to keep existing, right? Because you were enraptured. Because you were enamored. Because you had fallen for me. Because you let yourself believe I was real. Because I was precious to you, Tsukishiro.” 

“I already said that’s going a little bit too far.” 

“But that’s what you’re best at, isn’t it? Going too far.” Hiruko’s smiling now. It’s an unsettling expression on his face. “If I was still around, there’d be something interesting. There’d be a reason for you to keep going on, right? The emptiness inside of you, the dark and deep gap inside your heart could have been filled by me. Would you have tortured me, Tsukishiro? Would you have leapt into my nightmares and indulged yourself to the point where even a baku’s gluttony could be sated?”

Tsukishiro slides the cups off the table, letting them fall and shatter into pieces. The liquid spills on the floor, suddenly boiling hot.

“You wouldn’t have, would you.” Hiruko says, and Tsukishiro wonders why the blonde even bothered asking, since he clearly knew the answer. The table between them vanishes and suddenly they’re standing face to face. Tsukishiro wasn’t tall by any means, but Hiruko did stand a few inches below him. But now--it almost feels like the blonde is looking down on him, towering over the baku. Distant and unobtainable. “You wouldn’t have hurt me. Because you said you’d protect me, right?”

"Maybe you're only saying this because I want you to think I wouldn't hurt you. Maybe this is all part of my plan. I could be playing a long game with your emotions, you know."

"You and your actions aren't that complicated, Tsukishiro. When it comes down to it, you're simple, and awfully easy to understand." Hiruko shakes his head. 

Unable to resist the urge, Tsukishiro leans forward to bonk his head against Hiruko’s, like they were both a pair of cats. 

But. 

Tsukishiro wants to hit him harder. He wants to do more than just tap their heads together. He wants to slam their foreheads together so violently their skulls crack. He wants to torment Hiruko until the end of time. He wants to see the blonde’s expression twist and contort with pain. Pain caused by Tsukishiro. He wants to see Hiruko cry. He wants to see Hiruko break. He wants Hiruko to shatter.

Shatter like glass in _Tsukishiro's_ hands. Not anyone else's.

“Tsukishiro. Look at me.” Hiruko cups Tsukishiro’s cheeks in his hands. They’re cold to the touch. That’s unsurprising. “You wouldn’t have hurt me after I became human again. Because I was precious to you. Because you wanted to protect me. Because you wanted me to understand you. Because you want me here, now, with you. This delusion, this fantasy is proof of that.”

“Would the real you have said that?”

Pressing his lips to Tsukishiro’s, Hiruko smiles. “Who? Hiruko, Azusa’s fantasy? Or Chitose? To you, which is the real Hiruko?"

“Does it make a difference?” Tsukishiro asks, his usual smile faded. All that’s left is an uncharacteristic, flat expression on his face. Hiruko’s hand falls from his cheek to wrap around the baku, pulling him in for a hug. 

Both of their bodies were cold. Tsukishiro wasn’t human, and thus cold to the touch. Hiruko was both just a corpse and just a fantasy. But, so close together, the two of them are warm.

Tsukishiro wraps his arms around Hiruko's waist and leans forward to rest his head on the blonde's shoulder. “...Is this part of my desire, too?”

“For me to hold you close? For you to hold me close?” Hiruko kisses Tsukishiro’s cheek. His lips are soft, gentle, _kind._ It’s a feeling Tsukishiro has never known. “Is it yours? Is it mine? And if those desires are mine, are you sure my feelings aren’t just your delusion?” 

Tsukishiro decides to ignore the question and kiss the blonde again. On the lips, this time. “The owner of the Delirium can see into the rooms with his mind, right?”

“Kairi can, yes.” Hiruko has an amused look on his face. “Aren’t you just avoiding the question again?”

“Yes, but I’m also curious to know, on a scale of one to ten, how uncomfortable he would be if we started making out right now.” 

“Hm,” The blonde rests his chin in his hand, thinking. “I’d say either a six or a seven. Is that what we’re doing next? You know, you really aren’t making a great case for yourself, saying you don’t care for me and then two seconds later saying we should make out.”

“First of all, you don’t need to care for someone to make out with them.” Tsukishiro huffs. “And secondly, I didn’t say we should make out. I mean, we totally _could_ , but I didn’t say that we _should_.”

“Touche, I guess.” Hiruko replies with a sigh. “Regardless, you’re still dodging the question. Are you planning on avoiding it forever?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” The white haired baku glances over at Hiruko, taking his form in. Tsukishiro finds himself wondering if Hiruko’s hands were cold, like the rest of him. He’s struck with the sudden urge to reach out for the blonde, to find out the answer to his question, but he stifles the feeling down. “And I’m planning on avoiding any question like it.”

“You’re not going to live in the moment, like you always do?” Hiruko asks, voice sarcastic, the corners of his lips turning up in a way that’s almost malicious. 

“Hey, I live in the moment, but I do what I want.” Tsukishiro gestures in the air with his hand like he’s swatting away a fly. “And what _I_ want is to never think too deeply about the answers to these questions you’re asking me.” 

Hiruko sighs. “Even if you don’t want to think deeply about it, these _are_ questions you want me to ask you, Tsukishiro. Why do you need to be so difficult all the time?”

“For fun, mostly.”

“...You’re irritating.”

Tsukishiro nods his head happily, twirling his cane around in circles. “I’m glad my subconscious desires included an incredibly accurate depiction of your personality, Hiruko.” 

“You’re _really_ irritating.”

“Thanks, I know.” He says, with a wide grin. The urge to reach out for the blonde rises up again. He doesn’t stifle it down this time. Tsukishiro entwines their fingers together, and lifts Hiruko’s hand up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss against his pale skin. He was cold. Colder than Tsukishiro.

“You’re feeling affectionate?” Hiruko asks, tilting his head. An amused expression crosses his face for a split second and disappears, his usual flat face reappearing. “Did you miss me, Tsukishiro?”

“Don’t wanna answer that question, either.” Tsukishiro mutters, burying his face in the blonde’s shoulder. “Stop asking questions like that. I’m not gonna answer them.”

Hiruko snorts, twirling the end of Tsukishiro’s ponytail in his fingers. “Sure, but your reaction is answer enough. I doubt Kairi’s even watching, you know. It’s not like anyone’s going to hear you admitting your feelings.”

“Aw, so he’s not gonna see us make out and get uncomfortable? Damn, what was the point in coming here, then? There’s no reason for us to make out now! And what are these feelings you speak of? I have no idea what those are! I’ve never had one in my life.” 

Even though he’s not looking, the baku can feel Hiruko shake his head. “You’re ridiculous. Can’t you just be honest? It’s not _that_ hard, is it?”

“Stop nagging me.” Tsukishiro’s lips graze against the exposed skin of Hiruko’s shoulders, and he’s struck by the urge to either kiss it or bite it. He can’t decide which he wants more, so he does both. He bites down hard enough to leave a bruise. He bites down hard enough to draw blood. He kisses gently enough to heal the wound and the bruise. “Let’s sit.”

“Didn’t you _just_ say there wasn’t a reason for us to make out?” 

“Yeah, maybe I changed my mind. I do what I want, Hiruko!”

The blonde rolls his eyes, looking irritated, but the pair of them sit on the floor. It’s neither hard nor soft. Hiruko sits with his knees tucked under himself. Tsukishiro leans on his hands, staring up at the ceiling. It wasn’t a ceiling, but at the same time it was. It looked like the sky on the day they met for the first time.

Hiruko seems to realize this too, and takes Tsukishiro’s hand. “How long has it been?”

“How long has what been?” Tsukishiro asks, flatly. Hiruko’s hands are still ice cold. He feels lifeless. Like he could disappear at any moment. Tsukishiro feels a strange, strange ache in his chest. It feels hollow and… and… something. Something, but he doesn’t know what. A strange sense of… of _what?_

“Since we met?” 

The baku pauses, putting the hand that wasn’t holding Hiruko’s underneath his chin, humming under his breath. “A while, I suppose. Couple years… three, or four… Maybe five.” Tsukishiro tries to think. He’s never been good with keeping time because time didn’t matter. He didn’t care for anything but the consumption of nightmares--the passage of time meant nothing, really. “Dunno.” He says, eventually.

“Mm…” Hiruko looks up at the sky. Tsukishiro follows his gaze. “At that time, I was happy, you know.”

“What, because you were stabbing yourself?” Tsukishiro asks, raising an eyebrow as he grins, thinking back to the time they first met. At the time, Tsukishiro hadn’t brought it up, but he guessed from the bloodstain on the blonde’s clothing, and the discarded piece of glass by his side. Breaking him out of his reminiscing, Hiruko glances over at Tsukishiro and the baku feels his heart stop. 

“No. I was happy because I met you.”

Tsukishiro wants to look away but he can’t. He _can’t._

Hiruko doesn’t break eye contact. “Does that surprise you?”

“Dunno.” Tsukishiro says. His voice is completely flat. Was it surprising? Honestly, he didn’t know. He just… didn’t know.

“Hmm, I thought it might, but...” The blonde murmurs. “Well, anyway. At that time, you were happy too, weren’t you? Aside from finding a breeding ground for nightmares--that orphan girl--you met someone who understood you. Sure, we might have had different values--and we still do--or _did_ , I suppose--but we understood each other, didn’t we? The two of us who had thrown away everyone, _everything._ Everything about our former lives. Everything about our former selves. Because we shared the feelings of our predecessors. The feeling of wanting to disappear.”

Tsukishiro doesn’t correct him. He doesn’t say anything at all. For once, he just lets Hiruko keep talking without interruption.

“I was upset when I saw you again, and realized you were the reason for the strange nightmares I’d been seeing. I was upset because we didn’t see eye to eye, then. We did before. I understood you before.” Hiruko doesn’t break eye contact. Tsukishiro does. He can’t keep looking into those eyes. They were too… too blue. Too clear. Too… “You were upset because I didn’t want to join you in your plan. I didn’t see a point in it. If you kept craving and indulging, in the end, your gluttony would consume you, and you’d yearn for destruction, like your predecessor before you. I understood that. You didn’t.”

“Isn’t it possible that Azusa feasting on your-- _Chitose’s_ nightmare while in a state of nonexistent could have sated your desire?” 

Hiruko shifts, sitting less on his legs. “I suppose it is. But I don’t think that was the case. Maybe I just had more self control than you.”

“You were a younger baku too.” Tsukishiro points out, gesturing towards the blonde. “I was centuries old at that point. You had only been a baku for two years.” 

“Hmm, although that’s true, does any of that really matter? Whether or not I didn’t feel a true version of the baku’s hunger, or that you had desired more and more as time passed… it doesn’t make a difference now, does it? I don’t exist anymore, after all. I couldn’t help you with your forest of nightmares now… even if I was willing to."

“I guess it doesn’t.” Tsukishiro admits, shrugging his shoulder. He grips Hiruko’s hand a little bit tighter, not all that conscious of his actions. “Maybe next time.” He leans over, resting his head on the blonde’s shoulder. Maybe it’s just his imagination, but Hiruko feels a little bit warmer now. It feels nice.

“Next time?” Hiruko asks, sounding like he’s smiling. Tsukishiro doesn’t want to look over at him to check, though. He doesn’t want to see that look in the blonde’s eyes… That look… that look of… 

...That look of kindness and care...

“Next time.” Tsukishiro repeats, not one hundred percent sure of what he was saying, even. He’s not sure what he himself means. “Next time. I don’t know.”

Hiruko kisses Tsukishiro's cheek. “You’re making a face.” 

“It happens.” He replies, sarcastic. But his tone falls flat. Tsukishiro opens his eyes, taking a glance at Hiruko. “You’re making a face too, you know. It’s what happens when you have a face. You make a face.”

“Are you sure you’re centuries old?”

“Wow,” Tsukishiro replies, mock-offended. “My feelings are hurt, Hiruko.”

The blonde rolls his eyes again. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. Are your legs tired? You’ve been spending this entire fantasy running from your thoughts and feelings. That really isn’t the point of a delusion, you know. You’re supposed to embrace your desires here, not push them away and change the subject.”

“Since when have I followed the rules? You already know that I--”

“You do what you want, when you want. Yes, yes. I remember.” Hiruko sighs with a shake of his head. “But is this really what you want? Us just sitting here, you dodging the question over and over?”

Tsukishiro feels a flash of irritation. “Does it matter?”

“Does it matter what you want? I mean, you’re here. So, uh, yeah, it does.” Hiruko frowns at him. “If it didn’t matter what you wanted then I wouldn’t be here. There’d be no delusion.”

“Whatever.” He snaps, turning his gaze away from the blonde. Tsukishiro feels himself frowning. It’s an expression that feels unfamiliar on his face. He’s smiling more often than he’s frowning, after all. It feels foreign. 

Hiruko stares. “You’re upset.”

“Not really.” Tsukishiro replies, bitter. The ache in his chest hasn’t left. It’s only gotten stronger. It felt stronger than even his desire for nightmares. Even Chitose’s nightmare wouldn’t be enough to fill the gap in Tsukishiro’s heart. He’s irritated with the blonde but he doesn’t let go of Hiruko’s hand. If anything, he holds on tighter. Tighter.

Tighter, so he can’t leave.

Tighter, so this moment can’t end.

“It’s fine if you’re upset, Tsukishiro.” Hiruko says, speaking gently. That just makes Tsukishiro all the more irritated. 

“I already said I’m not upset.” He hisses, wanting to push Hiruko away and pull his knees up to his chest and curl up into a ball. Stupid. Stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s all so fucking stupid. “Don’t speak to me like that.”

Hiruko lets out a patient sigh. “Don’t speak to you how?”

Tsukishiro pauses, trying to figure out the right words. “Don’t speak to me so gently. I hate it.”

“Do you hate it?” Hiruko asks. His grip is as gentle as his voice. It makes Tsukishiro uncomfortable, like there’s something crawling all over his body. It’s a gross feeling that he can’t ignore.

“That’s what I just said.”

“I know, I heard you.” The blonde replies, with another sigh. “But I’m asking if that’s what you really _mean._ ”

“Obviously. Why else would I say it, then?” 

Hiruko shakes his head. “You of all people should know that saying something doesn’t mean you think it’s true. You don’t need to _mean_ what you say to say it. All you need to do is say it.” 

“I guess.” Tsukishiro replies, crossing his arms over his chest. Hiruko was right. You didn’t _need_ to mean what you say, but that doesn’t automatically mean he _wasn’t_ speaking the truth--right? Saying he hated Hiruko's gentle tone wasn't a lie just because it had the potential to be one.

“Tsukishiro…” Hiruko says, taking the baku’s hand once more. “I’ll ask you again. Be honest this time. Are you upset? Upset that I’m gone? Upset that it was your fault? Upset that you’ll never see me again?”

Tsukishiro falls silent. Hiruko’s questions flow into his brain, swirling around like a whirlwind. That’s right. Hiruko’s gone, and it was Tsukishiro’s fault. If he hadn’t tried to protect Chitose from Kairi… if he never chased down Shima… then maybe, he wouldn’t need to visit the Delirium to see Hiruko. 

The ache in his heart suddenly makes sense. 

Longing. He missed Hiruko. Tsukishiro missed him so much that it hurt. So much that it ached. So much that he went to the Delirium just for a chance to see the blonde again. Tsukishiro opens his mouth, lips parting as he speaks.

“Yeah.”

Hiruko shifts his body and pulls Tsukishiro into a tight hug.

Ah… It wasn’t Tsukishiro’s imagination, earlier. Hiruko really was warm. He wasn’t cold anymore. He wasn’t the temperature of a fantasy. He wasn’t the temperature of a corpse. He was warm… So warm.

“I’m sorry, Tsukishiro.” Hiruko’s holding him tightly but gently. He embraces Tsukishiro like he intends to never let go. Maybe Tsukishiro would be okay with that. Maybe he’d like it. Maybe he _wanted_ that.

“Why are you apologizing?” Tsukishiro asks, holding Hiruko’s arm with his hand. It’s warm. It’s so warm. “Because that’s what I want to hear? My subconscious wanted an apology from you? I wanted you to tell me it was all okay and that you’re sorry, and that you forgive me?”

“I said I was sorry because I am, Tsukishiro.” 

Oh.

“Oh.” Tsukishiro says, his singular thought slipping out of his mouth and into the air. 

“I forgive you.”

WIth those three words, the baku feels himself crumble. He feels like a house of cards, stacked to the heavens. But a singular card got misplaced and everything came crumbling and crashing down. The ache in his heart grows stronger and stronger. It hurts. It hurts. It _hurts._

“I think…” He says, taking a few steady breaths. The sense of longing in his chest made it hard to breathe. “I think that’s what I wanted to hear.”

Hiruko leans over, pressing his lips to Tsukishiro’s cheek. “I’m glad you finally figured out what you wanted.”

“I wanted you.” Tsukishiro admits. His voice cracks. He feels like a dam, bursting at the seams. All the emotion begins to flow out--the emotion he had kept buried so far deep even he himself was unaware of its existence. “I thought, if Azusa became the baku again, then I’d have a forest of nightmares at the waiting. I don’t know if he’d team up with me to plant the seeds of that forest, but at the very least he’d help me maintain it. And if he was the baku then you could be human again, and I could feast on your dream. It would surely be a meal higher in quality than anything else I’d ever tasted.

“I went through so much trouble to find that girl who knew Chitose, you know. I even got skewered like teriyaki chicken in the process! I--I put _so_ much effort into finding her, but in the end it didn’t benefit me the way I wanted. You’re right. I ruin things on purpose all the time, but for once it wasn’t on purpose. And it was irreversible.” He takes a breath. “I know what Kairi meant when he said I fell for you. I’m sure you know, too.”

“I do.” Hiruko replies, quietly.

“I don’t need to say it, right? It’s fine I don’t?”

"If you don't want to, you don't have to. Sometimes, it's enough to know." The blonde says, a sad expression on his face. It’s a melancholy sort of beautiful. “But you can say it if you want to.”

He wants to. So, Tsukishiro steels himself for what he’s going to say next. His breath hitches in his chest as he starts to speak.

“I loved you. I cared for you. For the first time in my life as a baku--no, for the first time in my _entire_ existence, I had found something truly precious to me. I had something I wanted to protect. I felt something for something-- _someone_ else. But I lost it. I lost you. And--and now I’ll never see you again?”

“You don’t know that.” Hiruko replies, and the look on his face makes him seem far away. And he is. Even though he was sitting there, right next to Tsukishiro, he felt so distant. “You’ve never wanted anything before me. But you did. The idea of you caring about something seemed impossible. But then it happened. Of the impossible is possible, then who’s to say we aren’t going to meet again one day?”

“I don’t know.” Tsukishiro mutters, crossing his arms. He pauses, and looks over at the blonde, with an expression that is no doubt a pitiful sight. “Hiruko.” 

“Yes?”

“Did you love me?”

Hiruko’s eyes go wide, but eventually they soften into something gentle. He smiles, and takes Tsukishiro’s hand in his. The kind, gentle warmth from his touch made Tsukishiro feel both empty and whole at the same time.

“What do you think?”

Tsukishiro laughs. “I don’t know. That’s why I asked. I guess I don’t even know what I want to hear, either. I don’t know if you loved me or not. And I don’t know if I wanted you to love me, either. I guess I really just don’t know anything at all anymore.”

“That’s okay, you know.” Hiruko says, his voice like a summer breeze. The precious, brief respite from the burning heat of reality seemed like it could disappear any moment. “That's okay if you don’t know. And it’s okay if you’re upset, Tsukishiro. It’s okay.”

“Is it?” He asks, voice quiet. He feels like a child asking for forgiveness. He feels like a child who doesn’t know anything at all. In this moment, Tsukishiro feels so small. “Are you sure it’s okay?”

“I’m sure. It’s okay, Tsukishiro. It’s okay. I promise.” Hiruko pulls Tsukishiro in close, arms wrapping around him. Tsukishiro hangs on like a drowning man clutching a life ring. He holds on for dear life. He doesn’t want to let go. He doesn’t _ever_ want to let go.

Tsukishiro’s eyes burn for some reason. The ache grows stronger, so he holds on tighter to Hiruko. 

“You said ‘next time’.” Hiruko says. “What did you mean by that?”

“Next time… Next time...” Tsukishiro speaks softly, his voice just barely above a whisper, like he’s telling a secret. “Maybe next time we’ll meet again. In another life. And in that life, you’ll something-- _someone_ I could cherish properly. You’re right. I didn’t hold anything precious to me when I became a baku, and even if I did, I would have thrown it away without hesitation. But maybe in another life, it could be different. Maybe in another life I could have loved you properly. Maybe in another life, you could have said that you loved me back.”

“Is that what you want?”

The baku lets out a quiet laugh. “It just might be.” 

“That’s an answer even I wasn’t expecting.” Hiruko meets Tsukishiro’s eyes. There’s something hidden within the white haired baku’s gaze. Something like longing, something like care, something like _love._ “It isn’t like you. To want to cherish something properly.” 

“Well, anything’s possible in a fantasy, right?” He pauses, the emotion behind his strange expression suddenly clear as day. He looked lonely. The realization of his love made the painful reality of Hiruko’s nonexistence more apparent. “You being here with me is possible. So, maybe even me acting out of character is possible too.”

“Are you acting out of character, or are you just coming to terms with and then admitting how your true feelings?” The blonde stops, a flicker of amusement crossing his face. “But you’re right.. Anything’s possible in a fantasy. Me being here with you is proof enough of that.”

"I suppose so." Tsukishiro laughs, and then he stops. He reaches out. Hiruko seems to understand what he wants, and pulls the white haired baku into his embrace once more. Tsukishiro buries his face in Hiruko's shoulder, kissing the wound he had left. His hands clench the fabric of the blonde’s shirt. "Hiruko?"

"Yes, Tsukishiro?" His voice is gentle. Calm. Patient. Kind. 

Tsukishiro's never known anything like that. Not when he was a baku. Not even in his distant memories from when he was human.

And if he did know it, he wouldn't have understood it, or cared about it in the slightest. But right here, right now, he does. And it hurts. It hurts worse than anything else he’s ever felt. No pain was comparable.

"I'm--" He pauses, a lump forming in his throat. What? How stupid… how stupid of him, to get this emotional. What was he, a human? But words fall from his lips--the dam concealing his emotion breaks, and his true feelings pour out, flooding everything. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I’m so sorry, Hiruko. I’m sorry..."

Tsukishiro realizes his face is getting slightly damp but he doesn't realize why. He doesn't realize he's crying until Hiruko wipes away his tears with the tip of his finger. 

"It's okay, Tsukishiro. I forgive you." He holds Tsukishiro tightly in his arms. He’s warm. He’s so warm. He’s so alive. He's so, so _alive_. "I forgive you. I forgive you."

Tsukishiro’s reduced to a sobbing mess in the blonde's arms. Tsukishiro doesn't remember the last time he cried. Has he ever cried, even? It's a hard question that he doesn't know the answer to but he doesn't remember a time when he had. So maybe he'd never cried before. It felt so foreign. It was a feeling he’d never felt before. It was an experience he’d never had prior to this very moment.

Tsukishiro clings onto Hiruko like a child would, hands clenched into fists around the fabric of the blonde's clothes, refusing to let go, ever. He apologizes again and again. He apologizes until his voice feels hoarse. He apologizes until his throat aches.

His head rests on Hiruko's chest, and the blonde is silently stroking Tsukishiro's hair. He runs his fingers through grey strands, scratching his nails against the other baku's scalp. It feels… nice. Tsukishiro feels comfortable and warm, though his head’s pounding and his throat feels scratchy.

He'd been stabbed, skewered, inches away from being devoured before, but for some reason right now was the most worn out he's ever felt. And yet, it wasn’t unpleasant. Tsukishiro felt like, just a little bit, the gaping hole in his heart had been filled. 

"Are you okay?" Hiruko asks, brushing a strand of hair behind Tsukishiro's ear.

“I don’t know.” Tsukishiro admits. And it’s true. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything at all. The only feeling he felt aware of was how badly he wanted Hiruko to stay. “I don’t know. What is feeling okay like?”

Hiruko pauses, obviously taken off guard. He seems lost in thought, but eventually replies. “I’ll be honest with you. I don’t really know either.”

“Well, that’s not very helpful.” Tsukishiro replies, pouting. He sniffles. God, crying was so tiring. If it could be helped, he’d never do it again. Ever.

The blonde snorts, amused. “Sorry.”

"It's fine." He mutters, nuzzling into the blonde's chest again. He was pleasantly warm. It felt nice. "Hey."

"Mm?"

"Can we…" Tsukishiro pauses, clinging onto Hiruko. "...Stay like this a bit longer?" 

Hiruko smiles. "You're falling for the delusion."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"Ahaha, I suppose that's true."

Tsukishiro feels his body relax. He still felt worn out, but… the ache had lessened. "It's weird to hear you laugh." 

"Is it bad?"

He ponders the question for a moment. "No." Another moment passes. "It's nice, maybe."

Hiruko blinks, staring at Tsukishiro.

"...What?"

"You're pretty cute when you act spoiled like this."

Frowning, Tsukishiro sits up to gnaw at Hiruko's neck, leaving another bright red hickey. The blonde shuts his eyes as Tsukishiro bites down on his skin, and a soft little moan falls from his lips and Tsukishiro feels himself smile again.

"Heh."

Hiruko rolls his eyes. "You look pretty proud of yourself. You know these will disappear, right?" As he speaks, he surveys Tsukishiro's expression. He pauses, and sighs. "I didn't answer your question from earlier. It's fine if we stay like this a little longer, but…"

"Mm, I know." Tsukishiro says. "I can't have forever. In the end, it's inconvenient if you already realize it's a delusion. It takes all the magic right out!"

"Does it?" Hiruko asks, looking genuinely shocked. Tsukishiro backtracks.

"Uh, well…"

He laughs. "I was kidding." He pokes Tsukishiro's cheek with his finger. "I already know how you're feeling. I said it before, Tsukishiro. You're simple, and awfully easy to understand." 

Tsukishiro wants to bite him again. He wants to pin the blonde down and leave countless hickies over his entire body. He wants to fuck him, right here, on the ground. He actually considers it.

He wants to lift Hiruko up and drag him right out of the Delirium. But he can't. It didn't work like that. 

The time they have passes quickly and slowly. Time flowed differently inside of the Delirium, after all. But the two of them seemed to understand that their time was up. Tsukishiro finds himself wanting to complain. He wants to cling onto Hiruko longer. He doesn't want to let go. He doesn't want to say goodbye. 

His lips part to voice his desires but Hiruko speaks first. 

"Can I say something, before I go?"

Tsukishiro feels like he's been kicked in the chest. He wants to shake his head. Stomp his feet like a child. Refuse. But he doesn't. He doesn't. "Sure."

"I hope we can meet again in our next life." His smile is so dazzling. So bittersweet. Like a sunrise. Or a sunset. Whatever crafted the ethereal sense of longing in Tsukishiro's chest most elegantly. Actually, it didn't matter. Hiruko was neither of those things because he wasn't real. He had never been real. 

Tsukishiro wants to cry. "Is that from my subconscious?"

Hiruko laughs. He shakes his head. He _smiles._ "No. Those are _my_ true feelings, Tsukishiro. No one else's. Not yours. Not Azusa's. Mine."

"...I…" He pauses, unsure how to continue. Maybe if he just stopped talking their conversation wouldn't end. This moment wouldn't end, instead suspended in eternity, an impossible dream. "I feel the same way. I… I hope we can meet again. I--I hope, in our next lives…"

He reaches out to hold Hiruko's hands. They're warm. He doesn't ever want to let go. Tsukishiro continues. "I hope… I'll love you again. I hope you'll love me. I hope you'll be real next time. Not a fantasy. Not a delusion. Just yourself. And--and I hope we can be in love this time. I hope--" His voice cracks. Stupid. Stupid. "I hope we can do it right next time. I hope, next time, I can love you properly."

_I want it more than anything else in the world._

"Me too." Hiruko says, voice barely above a whisper. There are tears brimming in his crystal clear eyes and it makes Tsukishiro's chest ache to look at.

"I love you."

The sands of time stop flowing. Every existence in the whole world, in the whole universe, holds their breath. Heartbeats thump in a steady sync. A shooting star pauses its trail across the sky.

Hiruko smiles. Tears spill down his cheeks. 

"I love you too, Tsukishiro."

Tsukishiro reaches out. He grabs the blonde by the collar, pressing their lips together. It's sloppy--it feels more like a first kiss rather than their last. A kiss given and received by two young idiots in love, completely enamored with each other, seeing the one in front of their eyes as the only existence in the world. A love that was almost childish. _You are my whole world._

Hiruko's lips are soft. They're warm. They're kind. Tsukishiro never, ever wants to forget this feeling. He wants to lock the memory up and never lose it. Never misplace it. He wants to keep it in his heart and in his brain for the rest of time.

"Is--is this goodbye?" He asks, and now they're both crying. Tsukishiro looks deeply into Hiruko's eyes, trying to search through cerulean blue for something. Some kind of answer. Some kind of anything. Anything but a goodbye.

"Mm, it is." Hiruko says, and he looks sad. It seems like he's searching in Tsukishiro's blood red eyes, too. For something, but Tsukishiro doesn't know what. An answer? No, a promise. _This is goodbye, but it's not the end._ "But, I'm sure we'll meet again someday. If our feelings are strong enough, then… surely, we'll meet once more."

They pull away from one another. The distance between them is so small, and yet, even if Tsukishiro stretched his hand out now… there's no way he could reach. Even if they both reached out... 

It was an unavoidable, inevitable farewell. But maybe it didn't need to be only a farewell. It could be more than that. It could be a promise. The pair of them reach out for one another. Their fingertips gently graze--close, but not quite touching.

_We'll meet again._

"Goodbye, Tsukishiro."

A wind swirls around Hiruko. He smiles, and shuts his eyes. Despite the still wet tears dripping down his cheeks, he seemed peaceful. He seemed _happy._

"...Goodbye, Hiruko..."

And just like that, he's gone. Like smoke in a breeze, Hiruko disappears. The room shapeshifts, returning back to its original form. The sparse furniture from Tsukishiro's fantasy disappears. The sky from that day fades into pure white. Into nothingness. 

All that's left within the room now is Tsukishiro, tears streaming down his face.

**Author's Note:**

> me: okay, next fic, i'll write actual general yumekui fic. i will NOT write more of my brain worms ship  
> me, seven thousand words later: okay. next fic, i'll--
> 
> i-i swear i'll write something other than tsukishiro/hiruko. i swear. i promise. i have a lot of fics in the works, you see, it's just, well, i have rabies, and 
> 
> okay anyways this was a really fun time to write. i cried like twice while writing it because i'm a little baby. this is my attempt (?) at tsukishiro's reasons for being tsukishiro. i don't know. i feel like he'd, probably sort of kind of regret his actions. he didn't MEAN to erase hiruko's existence in the process of forcing hiruko to return the existence of the baku to azusa but it did end up like that Because Of Him. and considering how even kairi says "you ""fell"" for the delusion" i'm taking artistic liberties here. it's my fanfiction and i decide the characterzation ,
> 
> it's fun to think about tsukishiro entering the delirium on his own time to see hiruko again. it's fun in a really sad way. hopefully it's done in a Yumekui-Like Manner, you know, the "ah, this is sort of depressing," you know the deus ex machina of depressing? instead of the deus ex machina fixing everything, it just ruins everything and makes everything sad. i love yumekui kenbun
> 
> i had a lot of fun writing this! there was so much dialogue! it's basically just 7k words of "can you please be honest with yourself" "i would literally rather fucking die" "jesus christ, dude" with just a little (a lot. a lot) of romance. i also am a sucker for "we'll meet again" style things and i hope to god that's obvious because if it's NOT then i fucked up
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoyed! if you did, feel free to leave a kudo, a comment, or hit me up @yumekuikenbun (i know) on twitter! i'm locked, but feel free to send a req if you'd like! especially if you like yumekui! this fandom is kinda dead! i'm so alone (crying on the ground) i keep trying to get my friends into it but to no avail. it's just me myself and i,
> 
> also my few favorite parts to write were "so on a scale of one to ten how uncomfortable do you think kairi would be if we started making out right now" "a six or a seven, why?", "this tea doesn't taste like anything" "it's because it's your subconscious, that it's bland" "are you insulting me?", "why do you need to be so difficult all the time?" "for fun, mostly." and OF COURSE, "are your legs tired from running from your feelings?" 
> 
> once again, thanks for reading!


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